Two

Two is running to find me wherever I am in the house, just to tell me, “Me do burp!”

Two is wanting to help. Wanting to stir the muffin mix, tidy the playroom, get the little broom to help Daddy sweep under the table. Two is swelling with pride when you put your own shoes in your cubby.

Two is discovering your sense of humour; suddenly, Daddy’s wearing Mommy’s hat or your teddy bear “eating” your lunch is SO hilarious.

Two is shaking all over with excitement when you hear the Dora theme song.

Two is the look of delight on your face, as you say, “I did it!” after jumping for the first time.

Two is, apparently, eating the heads off markers.

Two is tentatively calling out, “Mommy okaaay?” whenever I stub my toe, or step outside for a minute to take out the garbage, or squeal while watching So You Think You Can Dance.

Two is dancing. It’s all about the dancing.

And the rocks. Two is also about rocks.

Two is the giant hug I get the very second you get out of the bathtub — even though you love the bath, you love being within hugging range even more. I don’t mind getting wet.

Two is the casual way you say, “Sure!” when I offer you a snack, and the way you exclaim, “YES!” when I ask if you’d like to go outside.

Two is refusing to use your booster seat, refusing to wear a bib, refusing to ride in the grocery cart, refusing to allow someone else to hold the spoon. You’re a big girl now.

Two is swinging your arms as hard as you can as you try to “run” to keep up with your brother and sister.

Two is hiding by covering your head with a towel, because if you can’t see them, they can’t see you.

Two is asking, “What’s that?” while pointing to the same picture in the same book a hundred times over, just to make sure I’ll always identify the cow as a cow.

Two is fearlessly climbing to the top of the play structure at the park to go down the big slide…only to be foiled by the extremely scary ladybug crawling on the slide.

Two is eyes wide open at all times, bright and alert, watching and learning, taking everything in.

Two is lying in bed together, early in the morning, just staring at each other. Because to you, a face is still new and fascinating and wonderful; and to me, your face is new and fascinating and wonderful.

Happy second birthday, Little Miss Sunshine…you really are my sunshine.

Handicapping The Choreographers

You know, driving for six hours in the car one way, and then six hours back, gives you a lot of time to think.

Think about DANCE SHOW, of course!

I know I am crazy insane with this. But here’s a post I wrote during the car ride down, so I figure I may as well type it up and post it. I apologize to those of you who are not reality TV show obsessed. I NEED HELP.

Anyway, in today’s totally obsessive dance show related post, I will handicap the major choreographers on the show. This isn’t to say which ones are the best and which are the worst. Instead, my rankings here indicate how likely it is that a given couple will end up in the bottom three, if they are given a certain choreographer.

1. Mia Michaels. My Mom thinks she’s nutty, but I adore Mia, I think she’s a genius. She’s a master at the SYTYCD format — a strong idea, fully realized in one and a half minutes, and she’s equally amazing when working with a big group or a duo. If you’re a dancer on this show and you score Mia as your choreographer…you’re going to work hard, but you’ll be rewarded with one of the most interesting, memorable, and winning numbers of the night. (See: the Emmy winning park bench routine for Travis and Heidi from Season 2; the legendary door routine for Katee and Twitch from Season 4; this season’s Ode To Derrierre for Evan and Randi.)

2. Tabitha and Napoleon. Sure, they’re a little soft when it comes to true hip-hop, but they’re great at working with the dancers they have been given to highlight their strength. Although their dances might not be as hard-edged as other hip-hop artists, their dances don’t look simple, and like Mia, they usually come up with a killer concept for the short routines. If you have NapTab, you’re golden. (See: Katie and Joshua’s Gulf War number from Season 4; Phillip and Jeanine’s chain routine from this season.)

3. Wade Robson. Wade is probably the most original and brilliant choreographer they have on the show, and all the dancers usually want to work with him. He is fantastic 95% of the time…but then there’s that odd 5%, when he just goes a wee bit too far, and loses relatability. Chances are good though, that a Wade Robson routine will not end up in the bottom three. (See: The Crash Test Dummy number from this season; the Emmy nominated Hummingbird number for Hok and Jamie from Season 3; the newspaper number for Sarah and Jesus from Season 3).

4. Shane Sparks. Regular viewers of this show sorely missed Shane last season when he left for some MTV Crap Dance Crew Something Or Other. His hip-hop routines are so unique, so boom-boom-pow, they look great and have mass appeal. The one thing about Shane, though, is that if you don’t work really, really hard, and find some inner gansta, then you’re in trouble — you absolutely cannot fake your way through one of his routines. So as a dancer, you know you’ve got a great choreographer — but it’s up to you to sell it. (See: The Emmy nominated Transformers routine for Pasha and Lauren in Season 3; the adorable Umbrella number for Ivan and Alison in Season 2.)

5. Jean-Marc Genereaux and his lovely wife, France. I admit it: I love Jean-Marc. He’s the head judge on SYTYCD Canada and he’s so wacky and manic, yet so brilliant. His group routines are my favourites and I think he’s great at working with the dancers he’s been given, and finding clever ideas to make his ballroom routines interesting for the general public. Unfortunately, ballroom will often land you in the bottom three even with a great choreographer and excellent execution, so getting Jean-Marc is no guarantee of top 3. Still, if you draw a ballroom dance, you better hope it comes with Jean-Marc and France. (See: Karla and Vitolio’s quickstep, with the dazzling costume change, from this season; this group number from SYTYCD Canada, which is possibly my favourite dance show performance of all time; Kherington and Twich’s waltz for Jean-Marc’s daughter from last season.)

6. Doriana Sanchez. Used to be disco was a kiss-of-death dance, bottom three for sure. But last season and this, Doriana has kicked it into high gear. She no longer pussyfoots around the dancers and is throwing all kinds of impossible and dangerous stuff at them — with results. The disco numbers from the past two seasons have been dynamic, fast, and chock full of thrilling lifts, all the better to bedazzle the crowd. If you have The Snap, then disco is very close to being a sure thing. (See: Sarah and Neil’s amazing disco number from season 3; Brandon and Janette’s kick-ass high speed dance from this season.)

7. Sonya Tayeh. Sonya’s generally pretty solid, giving her dancers interesting moves to work with an distinctive music and costumes. However, if you can’t get into her characters, it’s all over. You have to be able to strut if you want to rock a Sonya routine. One last thing — her numbers after two seasons are starting to get a little repetitive, too, I find. She needs to step it up if she’s going to dazzle us in the future. (See: Ade and Melissa’s rock number from this season.)

8. Adam Shankman. Adam hasn’t been around as much due to various other movie committments, but he’s still a solid choreographer who creates dynamic and flashy numbers for his dancers. Broadway seems to be one of the harder styles to impress with on the SYTYCD stage, so if you do draw Broadway, your best bet is to land Adam. (See: Donyelle and Benji’s Hairspray number from Season 2.)

9. Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin/Louis van Amstel. Ballroom is hard. It’s tough to impress with really original stuff when you have to stick with a strict format and dictated steps. Tony and Melanie are obviously masters of their craft, and they can really bring the sexy. Louis is hip and fun and bouncy. Their big problem is that they aren’t so good at working with the people they get; they do their choreography and expect the dancers to match it. That’s not a failing — you’d expect your dancers to be able to work with your ideas — but at the same time, it sometimes does not do the dancers any favours, and results in a bottom three ranking. (See: Melissa and Ade’s rhumba from this season; Vitolio and Asuka’s waltz from this season).

10. Chroeographer Mandy Moore. I like Mandy, she seems like a really nice lady. I’m hot and cold on her choreography though; sometimes it clicks, but more often, it does not. I think her contemporary stuff is better than her 80s jazz numbers, but either way, if you pull Mandy, then you better hope she’s on instead of off. (See: Sabra and Neil’s awesome office meeting dance from Season 2; Melissa and Ade’s contemporary number from this season.)

11. Brian Friedman. This guy is a weirdo, there’s no doubt. Whereas Wade and Mia do offbeat but charming, Brian does offbeat but offputting. He does keep things interesting and I’m glad he’s on the show, but unfortunately, America will probably not vote for you when Brian is your choreographer. (See: Max and Kayla’s pop jazz routine from this year.)

12. Tyce DiOrio. Maybe I just don’t get the whole Broadway style, but Tyce’s stuff just seems so derivative. Every number is like an ode to an existing, famous musical — only never quite capturing the magic of the original. He’s had a few high moments but in general, if Tyce is the choreographer, I know I’m not going to like it — and neither will America. (See: Alison and Ivan’s contemporary routine from Season 2; Asuka and Vitolio from this season.)

13. Joey Dowling. See all my comments about Tyce above, only TIMES TEN. Joey is terrible — her numbers have no cohesive idea, they are so SO SO copycat, and she just does not inspire her dancers to greatness in any way. Run, dancers, RUN, from the Joey. (See: Evan and Randi from this season.)

14. Lil C. I love, love, love Lil C as a person. He is my favourite guest judge, because he’s so insightful and thoughtful and says clever and cool and witty things. But krump is SO impossible for any dancer who is not Lil C. I think he’s improving at adapting his style for the dancers he has, and last season’s krump with Twitch and Kherington was the closest I’d ever seen to something I could identify as an actual dance, and not a complete mess. There’s no doubt about it — krump is a hard sell. (See: Lauren and Dominic krump from Season 3.)

Edited to add: I left out Dan Karaty! He hasn’t been on this season, has he? Where did he go? Anyway, I like Dan fair enough. I’d say he fits in at about 8b. Here’s his hip-hop for Anya and Danny from Season 3.

Home Again

We’re back, and it was actually quite a nice visit to Southern Ontario. The kids were great in the car — Little Miss Sunshine was particularly adorable, the way she’d yell, “TRUCK!” every time a truck went past, and the way she’d tentatively ask for a “Jooce? Bag?” when the other kids were getting a Kool Aid Jammer. Everyone slept and ate pretty well. The older kids gave their grandmothers an unheard-of number of hugs and all the cousins got hand-drawn pictures of themselves playing with Gal Smiley and Captain Jelly Belly. Sweet.

The hardest part was, of course, helping my mother deal with my grandmother’s house. In the end we didn’t do as much as I had hoped because my Mom just wasn’t ready to deal with it. She doesn’t want to give anything to charity and can’t bear to throw anything out, but does not have the space in her own home to absorb a whole other house’s worth of kitchen stuff and bathroom stuff and furniture. I think she would prefer to just leave the whole house completely untouched for a while, say, 10-20 years or so. I absolutely do not blame her and I completely understand — it was very hard for me too to see my Nana’s things everywhere and I just missed her so much, being in her house. But in the end I did convince my mom to do a little work and we got some things done, and I hope that just getting the ball rolling will help move my mother in a positive direction.

I took a few things of my grandmother’s home with me. She had specifically set aside a Royal Doulton figurine for me to inherit, which was nice and everything, but just didn’t say “Nana” to me. I found myself wandering aimlessly through the house, just picking up things that she’d used every day, things I’d seen in her hand, and throwing them in a box. I had little interest in her fine china and other collectibles, but I wanted her kitchen mixing bowls, the spoon from her sugar bowl, the box of matches from her trip to Singapore. It was very sad and affecting but I’m glad I got a chance to see her house and spend some time grieving there.

While I was there I dropped by the bank where SocialButterfly works to say hi, and she introduced me to a friend of hers who works the side counter. This friend was so incredibly rude. She asked if I’d be “cleaning out the house,” and when I said yes, she went into a five minute lecture about how old people are pack rats, and are inconsiderate of the people who will be left to deal with the stuff, and how every one of them should be moved into a nursing home so that they can clean up their own damn mess before dying. I couldn’t get over it — she was actually suggesting to me that it was thoughtless of my grandmother to go and die and leave behind a bunch of junk.

First of all, her personal stuff IS NOT JUNK. And second of all, she was absolutely NOT a pack rat. And third of all, when you get old, LADY, be sure and dump all your most loved items in the trash on your way out the door, because I’m sure no one will care to have YOUR JUNK.

She sucked.

Other than that, though, it was a nice visit and provided some closure. So that’s good.

Handicapping SYTYCD

We’re into the top 12 on SYTYCD now, and that means I am officially obsessed.

Last year I fought and fought against it, but I found the only way I could get anything done around here is to vomit all my Dance Show thoughts all over this blog. Clear my head, take out the garbage, so to speak.

So, let’s rank the remaining candidates, shall we?

1. Brandon. Is there nothing he can’t do? So far he’s rocked the hip-hop, ballroom, and disco, and we KNOW he can rock the contemporary. I can easily see him pairing with any of the other women, and his solos are going to be awesome. He’s the frontrunner.

2. Janette. She’s a little firecracker and seems able to handle any style despite having no formal training. She’s got The Snap, which is something all dancers dream of having. She’s lucky to have electric chemistry with Brandon; I hope she can do as well with other partners.

3. Melissa. Every movement of hers is definite. She’s in control of every single body part at all times. I love her facial expressions, too. For some reason, I find her a little reserved from the audience, and I worry about the day she draws hip-hop. Still, she’s been nothing but impressive so far.

4. Ade. What’s with the hairpick, dude? Still, I find Ade to be totally charming and modest. I don’t even know what his native style is, because he was never featured before the top 20, but so far, he’s done great. He’s a good partner for Melissa, but also stands out and draws our attention to him, which is a tough job. I’d love to see him do a solo so I can get a better idea of what his real strengths are.

5. Jeanine. What I love most about Jeanine is her attitude — she’s so positive all the time. Also, she should apparently give up this contemporary crap and become a hip hop dancer, because she ROCKS the hip hop, totally keeping up with Phillip. I mean, when Phillip is on stage, and yet my eye is still drawn to Jeanine, that’s saying something. I can’t wait to see her paired with some other dancers.

6. Kayla. This week was the first time I really saw something special there. She’s obviously flexible and strong, but seemed a little…bland. This week she was awesome during the show, although her solo was not that great, so she continues to be kind of a mixed bag. Still, I think she’ll be a solid performer going forward.

7. Jason. I don’t think Jason gets the credit he deserves — the judges are always fawning all over Caitlin but Jason is clearly the stronger dancer in his couple. He’s strong and interesting, and he does a fairly good job at partnering. Good solos, too.

8. Randi. She’s so cute, and despite her fluffy bubbly personality, she’s able to really get into character onstage. I think she’ll be a great match with any of the male partners, but she needs to work on standing out from the crowd a bit more.

9. Evan. Okay, I love Evan, although he hasn’t been as strong as I thought he would be. I love his personal style, but he wasn’t great at Broadway, and I fear the hip hop. Oh my God, can you even imagine Evan and Randi doing krump? Hee hee. Also, Evan has a great click with Randi but he’s in real trouble when they split up the partners, because of his height. I can’t imagine him partnering Melissa or Kayla. So while he might make the top 10, I don’t think he will win.

10. Phillip. Clearly, there are more skilled and more well rounded dancers. But I ADORE the Chbeeb. ADORE. There’s no question that if the voting were based on personal style alone, he would win. As it is, I’d just love to see him make the top 10. He’ll have to really kick it this week at whatever they give him (my prediction: contemporary) to avoid being eliminated on Thursday.

11. Kupono. I don’t know about Kupono. He’s actually danced really well in his routines, and he’s really well matched with Kayla. Plus, he’d probably make a more versatile partner in the top 10 than Evan or Phillip. But his solos totally suck, and he just doesn’t pop when he’s on stage — I’m always watching Kayla. So he’d be my pick to go home this week.

12. Caitlin. I do not understand why the judges love Caitlin so much. I like her personality, but I really feel that her dancing has not been great. She’s the only dancer right now in the competition that I actively want to see go home. She’s all flashy tricks, but doesn’t have the smoothness of Melissa or the great transitions of Janette. She just doesn’t have The Snap, and I don’t buy it when she tries to get into character. She’s the girl who I think should be voted out this week.

That’s it…sorry for the obsessiveness, but I’m afraid I intend to make this a weekly post. Otherwise, I’ll never get the dishes done!

On The Road Again

We’re off this morning for another long road trip to visit the grandparents. Six hours in the car, and what do I have to look forward to at the other end? NO INTERNET ACCESS.

Hopefully I’ll be able to avoid a panic attack.

On the plus side, I’m getting really good at packing for this trip. This time I left everything until the last minute but managed to just throw the usual stuff in the usual boxes and it was much less work than I thought it would be. DisneyWorld, we’re practically ready for you!

We’ll be back late next week. While we’re away, a friend of mine will be monitoring the Blog Out Loud mail, so if you’ve been hemming and hawing about submitting something, don’t use me being away as an excuse! We only have room for 4-5 more readers so now is the time to commit.

Also, if anyone has anything they’d like to hand out at BOLO (it’s all about the freebies!), then let me know. I’m thinking of putting together a swag bag, if I can get some donations. Just email the usual account (lynnturtlehead at gmail dot com) and my partner in crime will take care of it all.

Straightening Up

I spent an hour this morning cleaning out my closet, sorting everything by size. Since I’ve lost some weight this past year, I have a huge amount of clothes that are now too big, but I’m too superstitious to get rid of them just yet. What do you think – what is the statute of limitations on keeping clothes that no longer fit? How long before you feel like you can safely say, by the time I am that size again, these will no longer be in style?

I’m thinking at least five years. Maybe ten. I don’t get to the mall that often.

While I was piling up the too-big clothes, I found a bag of caramel Hershey kisses in the back of the shelves. Sir Monkeypants suggested that maybe the clothes were trying to defend themselves: “Oh, you’re going to get rid of us? How about you just have some of this chocolate, and we’ll talk about it later?” Hee hee.

I found two pairs of shorts that are about 15 years old, that have been too small for me for quite a while now (told you I don’t get to the mall often). I tried them on this morning and they are a bit baggy but will do for this summer. The weird thing is, they should be a few sizes too big. They’re a size 12, and I’m currently shopping in stores at a size 6/8 level. It shows how much stores have upsized their clothes in the past few years.

I’m sure it better reflects the current North American population, but I wonder, where do the really small people shop? Even after losing the baby weight I would not describe myself as a slim person, so if I’m taking a size small in pants…what the heck is Katie Holmes wearing? She must shop in the kids’ section, I guess!

In any case, it’s very nice having an organized closet.

Lucky Lucky Lucky

The lovely and charming BeachMama had a giveaway last week to celebrate her fourth blogiversary…and I won! I was so excited, I have to say, I really, really wanted the prize pack.

We don’t live too far apart, so BeachMama dropped it off in person, which I thought was an added bonus. But then, I totally missed out on meeting her because she arrived exactly during the two-minute time span when I was putting Little Miss Sunshine down for her nap. DOH.

In any case, she did leave some lovely things in her wake.

First, there’s this hand cream and foot cream set from Cake:

I haven’t heard of Cake before and I have no idea where this stuff comes from, but I WILL FIND OUT. It’s so delicious smelling, I can’t decide if I should smear it on my body or have it for dessert. Plus, it really works. It is nice stuff, people.

There’s also this pretty purple polish from Sephora:

Gal Smiley is super excited about the nail polish – I think I will let her try some for the first time. Sir Monkeypants is too, because now I will hopefully stop going around with open toed sandals and naked toenails. SO GAUCHE.

I probably don’t have to mention for the millionth time that I love paper products, and this little Ecojet notebook makes me very, very happy:

Also, I ADORE the pen. On top of my paper fetish, I also have a bit of a pen fetish. This is a Zebra Clip and it meets all my pen must-haves — clicky (no caps, please), funky colour, comfy and squishy in my fingers, smooooooth when writing. LOVE IT.

Lastly, there’s this beautiful set of notecards made by BeachMama herself:

These will be so perfect for thank-you notes or the little letters I include when I’m mailing photos of the kids to their grandparents. Sir Monkeypants especially loves the footprint one, and if we ever get around to redecorating our bathroom I think we would use this print as a jumping off point. You can buy these cards and larger prints over at BeachMama’s Etsy Shop.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to ENJOY. Thanks, BeachMama!

Bad Soccer Mom

We’re back from our cottage weekend and we survived the call of the wild. I feel so Canadian! We went through a whole box of bandaids, between zebra mussel cuts and deerfly bites and a surprisingly severe corn-on-the-cob incident (don’t ask). Still, I saw turtles! And beavers! And loons! And fireflies! It was enchanting. I could get used to cottage life. Once a year, that is.

It’s been so busy this past week that we still have done nothing to fix our internet situation. I just check it every 10 minutes during the day, and when it magically comes up, I leap into action, uploading a post, sending a bunch of pre-written emails, and trying to load as many blogs as I can in multiple tabs before we lose it again. It’s the pop-in! I’m doing the internet pop-in! Love the pop-in! Anyway, hopefully we’ll make some progress on this issue this week.

And now, at Julie’s request, more on the Big Soccer Drama. This past Wednesday was the last game of the season — Captain Jelly Belly and Gal Smiley played on the same team in the local neighbourhood league. It was a great team but there is this one kid, “Joe,” who has some behaviour problems. He seems to have some communication issues and never really did understand what he was supposed to be doing on the field, which was frustrating for him and for the coaches.

This last week he and the Captain were sitting on the sidelines waiting their turn to go on, when Joe started a “game” that was to knock off the Captain’s hat. I don’t think he was trying to be mean, he was just trying to interact with the Captain and he’s a little awkward. At first the Captain thought it was funny, but the hat-knocking-off soon progressed to hitting, and then kicking. Joe was giggling the whole time, I’m sure he thought he was playing, but I could tell that the Captain was getting confused as to what he should do. The coaches were busy on the field, so after a bit I started calling out non-specific things to them like, “Hey you two, no hitting,” and “Sit quietly when you are on the sidelines, please.”

Eventually Joe walked away a few steps, then turned and ran back and jumped on the Captain, and THAT WAS IT, I was over there in a flash. I pulled Joe aside and snapped in his face, “That’s it! You CANNOT hit him. SIT DOWN.” The assistant coach came right over and broke things up and stood with them for the rest of the time.

I felt like a right ass about it, though. It was just Mother Lion instinct stuff, but I should have behaved better. For one, other parents HATE IT when you speak to their kids like that. I could hear an audible collective gasp from the other parents on the sidelines in reaction — I know they were all thinking what a big no-no it was to snap at someone else’s kid. It just brings out the Mother Lion in the other kids’ mom, and then you have a full-blown incident on your hands (thankfully in my case, Joe’s mother was busy with her two other kids and did not see what had happened).

Secondly, I should have taken the opportunity to remind the Captain how to handle it himself (our rules for hitting are to a) tell the kid you don’t like it, b) move physically away, and then c) ask the coach or teacher for help). I can’t fight his battles for him, and I probably embarrassed him by treating him like a baby.

Yipes.

Anyway, I hung my head in shame and stayed quiet for the rest of the game, and hopefully all the other parents have erased it from their memories. I still blush with embarrassment when I think about it, though. That was some seriously bad Sports Parent Etiquette.

Must do better next year.

One Minute Book Reviews: Oscar and Lucinda

My second library book is Oscar and Lucinda, by Peter Carey.

I know this post is called “one minute book reviews” but I’m afraid I may go over time a bit, due to SEVERE RANTING.

This book was so frustrating! It moves at a snail’s pace. I should have guessed I’d have trouble, as it is the 1988 Booker Prize winner. The Booker and I go way back, and we have quite the love-hate relationship. I often find the Bookers to be books with extremely beautiful poetry-prose, but books that are boring as poo. I’m afraid Oscar and Lucinda is not that different.

I mean, the book is called Oscar and Lucinda, and yet we don’t meet Lucinda until 80 pages into a 500 page book. And what is Oscar doing for those first 80 pages? He spends almost all of it agonizing over whether or not to leave his church for a new faith. AGONIZING, trust me, is the correct word.

Then we meet Lucinda, and her story advances at a similar pace. The two main characters don’t even meet each other until page 230. That’s almost halfway through the book!

I almost gave up on the book at the halfway mark, but then I remembered it had been made into a movie, so I went to see how they had cast it. While at the IMDB I read the summary for the movie and found out that the central part of the film is a bet made between Oscar and Lucinda about moving a glass church out into the outback. Like, wow, something was actually going to happen in this book? When, exactly? Maybe in the last 10 pages or so?

SHEESH.

Here’s what happens for the first 250 pages.

It’s the mid-1800s. Oscar decides to leave his father’s faith to become an Anglican minister. He can’t afford school, so he turns to betting on horse races to make ends meet. Lucinda is raised in the Australian outback by her mother to be a woman of Modern Ideas. Her mother dies and she gets a huge inheritance at age 18, which she uses to buy a glass factory in Sydney. While in Sydney, she learns to play cards for money with her friends and likes it.

Then, they meet. Then, they spend 25 AGONIZING pages AGONIZING over whether or not they should actually talk to each other. SHEESH.

And now, you can skip the first half of the book.

The really frustrating thing is that the prose is really lovely, and the story is told in a whimsical fashion that I would have really loved if I were reading this book in high school or university. Take this passage, for example, about Lucinda’s decision to buy the glass factory:

It is better to think about the purchase as a piano manoeuvred up a staircase by ten different circumstances adn you cannot say it was one or the other that finally got it there – even the weakest may have been indispensable at that tricky turn on the landing.

Or this quote, about Oscar trying to hide his fear of the ocean on a boat:

Although he did not promise he would accompany them up on to the deck, neither did he indicate that he could not, and whilst a court of law would declare he had not misled the party as to his intention, the courts of heaven would not be so easily deceived.

See? Awesome writing. Peter Carey really knows his way around a metaphor.

But JESUS, get to the point already, would you dude?

And while you’re at it, could you add on a more depressing and angering ending? Oh, you couldn’t, because you already found the MOST DEPRESSING AND ANGERING ending EVER? I see.

I think this book is Great Literature, but not really what I need in my life right now. I need books that are fun and fast moving, with more straightforward prose that I can pick up and put down 20 times a day. I can only read in short bursts between other activities, and I need to be able to follow what the heck is going on — and at the same time, if I can only read 10 pages, it would be nice if SOMETHING HAPPENED.

So, second library book recommendation: unfortunately, pass on it. Rating: C.

Incidently, the movie version stars Ralph Fiennes and a young unknown called Cate Blanchett, and apparently is charming, if a little confusing at times. If you’re interested in the story, I think I would have to go with the recommending the movie version instead.

Message in a Bottle

Our internet is dying a slow, dramatic, Victorian-style death, complete with fainting spells and death rattle coughing. This seems to happen to us at least once a year. Every time, we curse Bell and swear we are going to switch providers and spend hours on the phone with very nice people in India who are completely unable to help us. Then, after about six frustrating weeks, everything is magically fixed and we live happily for another year. I don’t get it, but it really, really stresses me out.

So posting will be very light for the next few weeks, both because our internet access is down about 80% of the time, and because we’re off on a few trips. This weekend we’re going to brave Princess Charming’s cottage — I am NOT a cottager, but I’ve been promised indoor plumbing and electricity, so I’m risking it. Starting the weekend after that, we’re probably going to go on our summer visit-the-grandparents extravaganza, so we’ll be gone for 7-10 days with no internet access.

DRUG ME NOW.

It’s a shame, because I have such awesome posts puttering around in my head, like the one about the bug that was as BIG AS MY THUMB that Sir Monkeypants took care of last night (my hero!), and the one about how I’ve been test running the walk to and from school in anticipation of not riding the bus next year (NOT popular with the kiddies), and the one about how some kid at soccer could not stop hitting Captain Jelly Belly and I did not handle it in the most calm and ladylike matter (an UNDERSTATEMENT).

But those stories will have to wait for another day, after I talk to India for 15-20 hours and pull out most of my hair.

If you’ve been considering a Blog Out Loud reading, please feel free to email it to me, although I may not get back to you for ages and ages. I still love you though! I still want you! It’s not you, it’s me! Don’t panic.

I’ll be doing enough panicking for all of us.