I didn’t have a very good reason, so I panicked. With the older two kids, I wanted mornings because I had a baby/toddler who napped in the afternoon, and it fit our schedule better. Apparently this is a good reason, because we always got mornings, and now I’m just used to it, I like mornings, it fits my lifestyle nicely, GIVE ME MY MORNINGS.

So I thought I better make up a reason, but I really couldn’t think of one, and I couldn’t really bring myself to lie. I mean, I could say the Little Miss still naps in the afternoon, because there was that one time back in September when she was sick and she went for a lie-down for half an hour after school. That has a truthiness, doesn’t it? Maybe we should just have another baby so I have a good excuse. Kidding! I kid! Mostly.

(Man, I hope the principal at her school doesn’t read this. We are getting shunted to afternoons fo’ shizzle.)

The real reason that mornings work best for me is that I’m a super morning person, and getting more morningish all the time. If there is something on my to do list for the day that does not get done by 3 p.m. that’s it, it’s getting pushed off to tomorrow. After 3, I’m into making dinner, cleaning up dinner, homework, putting kids to bed, then curling up in a ball on the couch while whimpering softly with exhaustion.

My sister works, and do you know what she does? She comes home from work and serves dinner, then cleans up dinner, then puts her kids to bed, then MAKES DINNER FOR THE NEXT DAY. Like, she gets the kids down and it’s 8 p.m. and instead of flaking out, she gets into the kitchen and cranks up more pots and pans and cutting boards. If I had to do this, I’d have checked into a loony bin a long, long time ago. Don’t even MENTION the idea of making lunches the night before. Or making an evening run to the gym, DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH, I’m drinking hot tea and tea through the nose is not a good thing.

I prefer to get up in the morning (crankily, I’m not Superwoman, geez), then tidy the kitchen, make lunches, and hustle everyone out the door. Then comes my two-hours of power activity time, where I run from errand to errand, or write write write, or work on websites, and generally Get Stuff Done. All this even though my kids have an Early Start school, which means my power time is from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m., and many very annoying shops don’t open until 9:30 or even 10. What up, shops? Even my BANK opens at 8 a.m., which is actually kind of freaky given that other banks are barely open between 10 and 4, like what is that, banker’s hours? Oh…right.

Don’t take away my Power Hours, school! Dare me to write that on the SK form.

About two hours later we came home, and HOLY COW, someone had cleared out the end of our driveway. And not just ours – every one on the street. We’re talking about 100 houses. Judging by the tire tracks, it was one of those little snowplows that clears the sidewalks.

(People in places like Florida and Seattle and Toronto just had their MINDS BLOWN by the fact that here in Ottawa, there is so much snow that we actually have wee little baby snowplows devoted to just clearing the sidewalks and pathways. We are SERIOUS about snow removal here.)

There’s no sidewalk on either side of our residential crescent but I did see a sidewalk clearer working on the main street next to ours when we went off to go skating. So I’m thinking he, what, took extra time at the end of his day to come around our street and clean out the end of everyone’s driveway?

NICEST. GUY. EVER.

So since I have no way of finding this man and offering him my thanks, a generous cut of my investment portfolio, and possibly one of my children, I thought I’d just blog about it and say hey, dude, someone out here noticed, someone appreciated, and someone thinks you’re a stand-up kind of guy.

Thank you.

Anyway, if you happen to find yourself needing to create a gluten-free, egg-free, milk-free, nut-free, peanut-free, legume-free, coconut-free diet (surely that day is just waiting for you right around the corner, have you HEARD what they are saying on the internet?), here’s some things you need to get. (Disclosure: no one paid me to say any of this, or gave me free stuff, or even batted an eyelash in my direction. Would it have killed them to do a little eyelash batting? WOULD IT? Links to Amazon and whatnot do not benefit me in any way.)

The Allergy-Free Cook Bakes Bread, by Laurie Sadowski

This little gem of a book contains recipes for all kinds of breads, crackers, and muffins that are gluten-free, egg-free, milk-free, and nut-free. She rarely uses bean flours (AWESOME) and when she does, she recommends an alternative. She also usually uses agave nectar or brown sugar as sweeteners, if you’re worried about white sugar. Her recipes are seriously dazzling – light and fluffy and actually bread-like. This is where I got the recipe for the donuts and I also made these beauties this week:

Those are double-chocolate muffins. SO GOOD. I…ate the whole batch. The Captain only got like, two of the dozen. I could not stay away. A definite keeper and could even pass as a cupcake for birthday party purposes. This book is a must-have. One word of warning – she does rely on xanthum gum as a binder, I’ve been reading online that some GF people have trouble with that. But for us, so far, so good.

Allergy-Proof Recipes for Kids by Leslie Hammond and Lynne Marie Rominger

I think these are the people who make Enjoy Life products, which means they have lots of experience making yummy foods out of air, water, and a little sugar. They amaze me. This book is a good transition book if you’ve just discovered that your kid has a boatload of allergies, and everyone is having trouble giving up macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets. These recipes are look-alike recipes for the usual kid fare, and although they are probably less healthy than, say, a nice brown rice and vegetable stir-fry, they are pretty popular around here. They’re also easy to make – mostly they just use rice flour and other stuff you can get at your local supermarket, so if you’re between trips to the health food store, you can use this book to get by. If your kid has a friend with multiple food allergies, and you’d love to have them over for dinner or a sleepover but don’t know what the heck to cook, this is a good book to get – you’re sure to find something that is not intimidating to make that all your kids (and guests) can enjoy.

The Gluten Free Vegan by Susan O’Brien

Lastly, here are a few blogs that I’ve just started reading that look amazing:
My Real Food Life – Gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free, soy-free, just about everything else free except tree nuts – and she’s right here in Ottawa! I may stalk her. Also, her Resources page has dozens more recommendations that I’m working my way through.
The Gluten Free Vegan – Megan is super sweet, and happens to cook gluten-free, egg-free, and dairy-free. Plus, she’s Canadian too – so the ingredients she uses are available here. yay! She does use nuts and soy but there’s still a ton of original and unique recipes here.
The Allergic Kid – Recipes for kids with no nuts, eggs, or dairy. They aren’t gluten-free, but still some good ideas here, and also I’ve learned a lot about having an allergic kid in general.

I’m sure there are more – many more. But that’ll keep you busy for a while.

It was one of those things that makes your heart well up with pride, because they have obviously worked so hard on the project and thought about it a lot. And the innocence and purity of their words is so sweet and cute.

And also: FREAKING HILARIOUS.

I kept bursting out with laughter while reading it, which granted was not my finest Mommy moment. That sort of thing leads to all kinds of awkward questions from the kids, like “What’s so funny, Mommy?” and “Why are you laughing, Mommy?” and “Do you need a tissue, because you are snorting a lot?”

AWKWARD.

But seriously, I defy you to keep a straight face when reading these:

[My brain] will achieve everything needed even the things that I absolutely hate like listening to my dad’s commands to do more homework.

My supreme, epic, wicked neck never fails me.

This handsome thinker [ed note: his head] sits on my peaceful neck.

I use my arms to eat at home at 5:30.

When I wear blue my eyes pop like fireworks. Sometimes they don’t pop because it’s a different shade of blue.

My legs are epic and make me run fast.

Staying up you might think is not significant, but I need my feet to stay up or I’ll be tired.

It [his carotid artery - this kid is some kind of genius] is special to me because without it my head might blow up and then my massive brain would not be attached to my body and I’d be dead!

My smile is so bright that sometimes other people can see their self-reflection off my teeth.

My bones are epic. Epic like a cheetah.

That last one is my ultimate, all-time favourite. “Epic like a cheetah” is definitely, definitely my new catch-phrase. Also the name of my next blog, my future rock band, and my first novel. It’s EPIC, like a CHEETAH, man.

I was on my way home from getting groceries and my first thought, having just escaped death, was that if I did happen to be flatted by a truck that Sir Monkeypants would be stuck with three kids and NO GLUTEN FREE SUPPLIES. Eating gluten-free is preventing me from even having normal thoughts about dying in a fiery car crash. Who cares about leaving my babies motherless and sad. They will have to EAT GLUTEN. The horror!

Some have asked me if I feel any different, now that I’m eating about 80% gluten-free myself. I’ve heard the stories online about people who have found bottomless pits of energy, have had their skin clear up, have effortlessly lost 30 pounds, all just by cutting out the gluten.

Sadly, I seem to be serving as a counter example as I still fall asleep on the couch at 8:30 p.m., have regular breakouts, and have actually gained weight since Christmas. It probably doesn’t help that I am making up for the lack of gluten with a constant stream of Peppermint Patties, Hershey Kisses, and candy canes. I can’t have my gluten! I need comfort foods! Pass me that bag of chips.

But even so, I would be willing to stick to the gluten-free lifestyle forever if I thought it would really help the Captain. The jury’s still out on that. It’s only been a month, but so far we haven’t seen any miracle changes – he is still having some on and off breathing trouble, and he’s still having mystery allergic reactions. He seems a bit less sniffly, which may be worth it just for our own sanity. But yeah, one month in and we’re still waiting-and-seeing.

And also trying not to be hit by cube vans. Think of the teff flour, BY GOD.

I saw boys standing on sleds attempting to “surf” down the hill. SERIOUSLY, boys. How is it that there are any grown men in the world?

Last night I was at a fast food restaurant getting take-out (soon to come: a list of take-out foods that the Captain can eat, trust me, it will be a short post). There was a teenaged girl in front of me in line who was pretty and had amazing teeth and long blonde hair. The two boys behind the counter were IDIOTS, absolute idiots in her presence. They clearly knew each other from school and one boy, when the girl called him by name, blushed until I thought his head would explode and stood there grinning dumbly, completely unable to answer her question or engage in any kind of conversation. The other one, in an attempt to win attention, made a series of “girls are weak and dumb” style jokes and then finished up his stand-up routine with a lame, “Um, I guess that wasn’t very funny, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” And the girl quietly and very nicely said, “That’s okay,” but you could tell she was thinking OH NO YOU DIDN’T, JERK.

I have to say, this week my fears of future teen pregnancy has been greatly reduced. It just doesn’t seem likely that between the snow surfing and the ridiculous teenaged social interactions that any of today’s teenaged boys will be fathering children any time soon. In fact, the entire future of the human race may be in jeopardy.

Oh man, I am NOT looking forward to the teen years.

Aren’t they just so cute? I amaze myself.

So the new diet thing is going okay, we are still sometimes (often!) running out of things to eat, like how many different ways can you prepare chicken breasts and potatoes? But there have been some successes. The donuts were made for the annual New Year’s Day feast at my friend LuckySevens’ house. I wanted there to be a dessert that was safe for the Captain (and Mr. LuckySevens, who is celiac). They turned out really well, although they do have that quinoa-flour taste that makes them kind of beany in flavour. It’s subtle, but you can tell that they aren’t your usual donuts, so I figured no one else would want to eat them.

At the party, after the desserts were laid out, I went down to the basement to notify the Captain. There were around 10 kids down there engaged in either trying to kill each other with pillows, or threatening to run and tell on those involved in the pillow war. I said to the Captain, in a normal tone of voice, that the donuts were out if he would like to come and get one.

Actually, I only got as far as, “Captain, the donuts are out –” before I was bowled over by a mad rush of kids screaming, “DONUTS!!” at the top of their lungs. It was just like a cartoon when a big crowd rushes by, then the smoke clears and you see the heroine lying dazed in the road. Those kids were ON IT.

Luckily Sir Monkeypants saw the crowd coming and nabbed a donut for the Captain. The rest were gone in SECONDS. Seriously. Every kid grabbed one and gobbled it right up.

So I would have to say that that’s the ultimate seal of approval right there – just as snarfable as real donuts! Seriously, I do take it as a huge compliment and a sign of success.

This morning Mrs. Carl Sagan and crew are coming by so I have made Timbit-style mini-donuts:

I…HAVE…CREATED…SNACKS!

They just finished their third season and like the two previous seasons, we’ve kept all the episodes on the PVR for repeated watching. I think we weatched the first season, in its entirety (of about 12 episodes) at least 10 times over. I felt like those kids were my kids. Each of my own children adopted a favourite and hopefully the Captain won’t kill me some day when he reads this blog and finds out I told the world he cried when his favourite guy was eliminted. It’s no shame to care, dude!

Last summer we went to an Ottawa Fury Woman’s Soccer Game at Algonquin College. We’d never been there before and we took a wrong turn into the parking lot, ending up in a different lot. In that other lot, there were a bunch of half-built sheds set up and some TV cameras and a bunch of teams wearing different colours standing around. We could tell they were making some sort of TV show but at the time we thought it was possibly Canada’s Worst Handyman, and moved on.

Turns out they were filming episode three of season three of In Real Life – and we were RIGHT THERE. I’m still kicking myself at the lost chance to hop out and meet the host, Sabrina Jalees. My kids (and who am I kidding, me too) would have just melted with admiration. Then I would have totally dominated the conversation while my children clammed up in terror just like they do in the face of Santa.

(Side note: My kids are SO in awe of Santa that they never find the strength to say anything to him when we visit each year. This isn’t a problem at all for me because we don’t do The Photo With Santa thing, we just drop by to say hi, so they can be as shy as they like. Plus, I get to suggest a present for each in lieu of them being able to ask for themselves:

Santa: What would you like for Christmas, little boy?
Captain: ….
Me: Wouldn’t an Alien Conquest Lego set in the $35 dollar range be perfect?
Captain: [nods dumbly with wide saucer eyes]
Santa: Very good then.
Me: [cackles inside and congratulates self on already purchasing said Lego set]

And scene.)

So since I went and blew my chance to meet Sabrina and possibly get in the background of an In Real Life episode (likely squealing with delight and waving around an autograph book, I am SHAMELESS), let me just say this: Sabrina! Love the show! Huge fan! Keep it coming! Call me!

This year everything seemed like it was going to be fine on Christmas Eve, and then the Little Miss woke up with a terrible fever and serious ennui on Christmas morning. Meanwhile, both of the older two developed totally awesome chesty coughs. We foolishly decided to go ahead with our plan to head down to Southern Ontario to visit the fams on Boxing Day, only to turn tail and run back home on the 28th when it became clear that all of us were going to go down with the flu one at a time like dominoes.

It sure was a fun car ride home!

Since we made it here we’ve had one day of lie around on the couch groaning and watching movies; today we have graduated to reading and playing card games. Later I might attempt a little cereal and some Wii. It’s life in the fast lane around here, let me tell you.

It hasn’t exactly been a big party around here, but we’re together, it’s quiet, and no one has killed anyone yet, although we really should try to get out of the house sooner rather than later. I had to put the garbage out this morning and discovered the driveway is knee deep with snow and it’s actually winter out there. Who knew?

You know, now that I think about it, if I had to plan out a perfect Christmas it might be just like this – quiet time hanging out at home, no cooking required, no cleaning expected. Just chill time as a family. Now that most of our fevers are coming down, I think I’ll take the time to appreciate this quiet little Christmas for what it is. A gift.

Little Miss holds an Ariel doll; Gal Smiley has an action figure. They are pretending their toys are lifeguards.

Little Miss: Is yours a boy?

Gal Smiley: Yes.

Little Miss: Let’s pretend that he likes my girl, he likes her because her hair is very long and swishes all around her head.

Gal Smiley: NO, he likes her because she is a lifeguard and a hero.

Aw, I’m a great parent and a crappy parent simultaneously!

It’s overheard conversations like this that make me feel like there’s not much I can do to shape their personalities. They are who they are – obviously, having the exact same set of parents in the exact same household has resulted in two very different little girls, each with their own ideas and values.

Once when I was a teen, I asked my aunt how it was that she had gotten two such amazing little kids in my two younger cousins. I was shocked, SHOCKED, when she shrugged and said she really didn’t know. Surely she must have some tips, some secrets to share? Nothing?

Turns out, it really does feel as much of a crapshoot as my aunt implied.

Rather than complaining, though, this randomness really makes me relax. If I can’t do much one way or the other to mold them – then I can just kick back and get to know them.

Oh man, now I’m a lazy parent as well!